You know the moment in movies when everything is going so fast that everything seems to stop; the camera focuses in on the face of the character, tired...jaded...confused, while everything around them blurs and spins uncontrollably. If someone was filming me, that moment would have occurred a thousand times in the last month.
I've switched jobs, got another job on top of that job, over drafted my account, charged up my credit card, looked for an affordable apartment, tried to find a roommate with an affordable apartment, ran into a scam on craigslist, cried with old friends, bonded with new ones, debated going to grad school next semester, got a nasty cold...and I sit here wanting to keep my new life, but still holding on the the idea of going back to my old one.
Every time I try to talk about it with someone, I end up right back where I started. I've received all kinds of advice: come home, move here and live with me!, do what your heart tells you, if money wasn't an issue what would you do?, have courage, pray, come home, apply to grad school and live on campus, crash on my couch until you find a place, Rachel...here's a plane ticket...COME HOME NOW!
I've thought about all of these things, but: my heart wants so many different things...if money wasn't an issue I'd be living in Spain...I'm not sure I've ever been particularly courageous...God's inbox is full of messages from me...I haven't taken the GRE yet...I like sleeping on 600 thread count sheets...and well, I can't just go home!
You can see my dilemma.
I'm currently reading the book Wild Goose Chase. In it I've come across a couple of quotes that seem to pertain to my life right now. One is straight from the author - he said: "The only way you discover a new identity is by letting an old one go." And the other is from Andre Gide: "People cannot discover new lands until they have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
There's that word again. . . courage
I'm failing miserably at achieving what these two men suggest...I'm clinging to home and here and yet I don't actually have either one. I'm stuck in a rut. As I've mentioned in previous posts, this whole growing up thing is way harder than they make it seem in movies. I mean even when the main character's life seems to be spinning out of control, something happens and everything changes, the mess disappears, their life becomes beautiful and full of purpose again and happy music starts to play.
If anyone else would like to offer their advice, I would love to hear it.
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