the wrong emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble

I thought that graduation day was this defining moment. A day when everything would change. In certain ways it did. I was no longer in school and I moved out of state. The real change, however, didn't come until later. In fact, that change occurred last week. I can't quite put my finger on it...I just know that everything I previously believed, I'm now questioning.

My relationship. I very naively believed that would last forever until about a month ago when it came to abrupt halt.

Religion and God. My perspective on this has drastically changed for the better.

Old grudges. I made amends with two old friends last week and I physically feel lighter because of it.

Even the smallest things - for example, I never thought I was a morning person and I thought I hated spicy food and scary movies. The other night I found myself watching a scary movie, eating thai food aaand I'm pretty sure I was relatively pleasant that morning.

Everyone expected me to move back home after my relationship ended and I have to admit, for a little while I thought I was going to. I realized something though. (Well a lot of things actually.) Just because things don't go according to your plans, doesn't mean they're not going according to plan. For the first time in my life I really had the right attitude. Amidst the craziness over the last month, I was able to laugh at myself. It got to the point where I was literally like "C'mon life, just try me...I can handle it now, throw me another one." And life did. It threw me so many crazy things that the only appropriate response was to laugh.

I'm not sure what motivated me to keep trying. I just know that for the first time in my life I didn't want to give up on myself because I'd finally found something that I wanted to keep: my independence. I have a job (in fact, I got a pretty awesome promotion), I pay my own bills, I make my own decisions and my own mistakes. It's this incredibly liberating feeling to own your life. And at the risk of sounding like SJP from Sex and the City...mistakes really do make us.

Before this week, I placed entirely too much emphasis on the moments that are supposed to be important, but I was wrong. It's the moments that catch us off guard, that turn our life upside down and leave us speechless that really do something to us and really mean something...

Cue unhappy music

Zach Braff does this a lot...

You know the moment in movies when everything is going so fast that everything seems to stop; the camera focuses in on the face of the character, tired...jaded...confused, while everything around them blurs and spins uncontrollably. If someone was filming me, that moment would have occurred a thousand times in the last month.

I've switched jobs, got another job on top of that job, over drafted my account, charged up my credit card, looked for an affordable apartment, tried to find a roommate with an affordable apartment, ran into a scam on craigslist, cried with old friends, bonded with new ones, debated going to grad school next semester, got a nasty cold...and I sit here wanting to keep my new life, but still holding on the the idea of going back to my old one.

Every time I try to talk about it with someone, I end up right back where I started. I've received all kinds of advice: come home, move here and live with me!, do what your heart tells you, if money wasn't an issue what would you do?, have courage, pray, come home, apply to grad school and live on campus, crash on my couch until you find a place, Rachel...here's a plane ticket...COME HOME NOW!

I've thought about all of these things, but: my heart wants so many different things...if money wasn't an issue I'd be living in Spain...I'm not sure I've ever been particularly courageous...God's inbox is full of messages from me...I haven't taken the GRE yet...I like sleeping on 600 thread count sheets...and well, I can't just go home!

You can see my dilemma.

I'm currently reading the book Wild Goose Chase. In it I've come across a couple of quotes that seem to pertain to my life right now. One is straight from the author - he said: "The only way you discover a new identity is by letting an old one go." And the other is from Andre Gide: "People cannot discover new lands until they have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

There's that word again. . . courage

I'm failing miserably at achieving what these two men suggest...I'm clinging to home and here and yet I don't actually have either one. I'm stuck in a rut. As I've mentioned in previous posts, this whole growing up thing is way harder than they make it seem in movies. I mean even when the main character's life seems to be spinning out of control, something happens and everything changes, the mess disappears, their life becomes beautiful and full of purpose again and happy music starts to play.

If anyone else would like to offer their advice, I would love to hear it.

And so the adventure continues...

If someone told me on my graduation day that in a few months I'd be working with animals, I would have laughed and said, I'm sorry that's not part of my plan. I used to have adults tell me all the time that my plans would change, things would be different than I expect, and that I'd end up just going where things take me. I never took this seriously. I always politely smiled, nodded my head in agreement and said something along the lines of 'oh, well that'll be okay'. All the while I'd be thinking, 'yeah right buddy, you don't know how passionate I am about becoming X or how driven I am to completing Y'.

I guess grown ups know more than us kids after all...

What's really awesome about my job though is that I actually really like it. I like the people I work with and most of the dogs and cats that I see and they all seem to like me as well. What's even more awesome is that the company is going to create a whole new position just for me. Currently I do anything they ask of me; which I'm pretty sure is typical when you're the newest/youngest person in an office. I have yet to complain about any of these tasks though...I've really enjoyed each experience they've thrown my way.

For the last couple of days my work has consisted of an arts and crafts project. We're working on a new marketing campaign and I'm creating displays for the events we're doing this week. My living room is covered with construction paper, glue sticks, photos of our VIP members, greek letters, and rhinestones. And yes, it all actually does belong together.

My position is in marketing. I currently work at all of our events and will soon also be working with all of our clients as the company's sales contact. Basically, whenever someone inquires about our services they will be directed to me, I will help them get set up within our computer system and then coordinate a meeting for them with a member of our team. I'll also continue working at events and doing other projects on the side.

It's wonderful...I can't think of anything negative to say about my job. Life really does have a way of working itself out.

Appreciate college cafeteria food

Over the past week my facebook and twitter pages have been filled with information about people moving back into their dorms and reuniting with their college friends. It's made me feel very nostalgic about things that I never realized I should have appreciated. One of those things is the Commons, which is the name of the cafeteria at Stetson. While I attended Stetson, I, along with all of my friends, consistently complained about the lack of quality of the Commons' food. Everything always seemed a little off - the meat was possibly imitation, the sides were super saturated with salt, and even the salad bar seemed a little less healthy than a salad you could make at home.

However now, as I sit in my apartment in DC, with hardly any food in the fridge, a rumbling stomach, and cash that already belongs to next months bills, I realize that I would absolutely love a cafeteria. I didn't even have a meal plan for two years that I was in school - but of course someone else did. Someone whose mother insisted that they keep their 17 meals a week plus extra declining balance money just in case they really needed to eat 300 lbs. of food each day. I loved these people! They were always more than happy to make use of the money their parents were spending on the mediocre food we were offered. If I was ever hungry at any time in the day, there was always someone I could call, ask if they wanted to go eat and then bum a meal off of them. No money required...well except for that $2,100 their parents paid along with their kid's tuition. How nice! And I never took the time to appreciate what a wonderful thing this was..."free" food!

Once you no longer have the option of the university cafeteria, you actually have to think about what you'll want to eat for the next week, plan out some meals, travel to the grocery store, walk around for 30-45 minutes deciding if you want junk food or real food, determine whether or not you'll actually eat the healthy items you decide to purchase, theeennn you have to pull together some money in order to actually bring all that food home with you. Now I know that this is all very simple stuff. People grocery shop everyday. However, when you're broke you don't want to spend money on food - something that you got for "free" for 4 years in college.

Another one of life's simple circumstances that is surprisingly annoying...there's so much I've learned since graduation. =)

Actively Caring 4 People

I have two bits of really great information.

1. I got a new job and so far it's been really great. I'm definitely looking forward to what's ahead. This also means that I've given my notice at PF Changs aaand..... sweet freeeeedooomm has officially begun to take over my life!!!

2. I met an awesome group of people tonight. They were one of my tables at work and they made having to work these two more weeks seem to be not so bad.

Five guys from Virginia Tech started a non-profit organization called Actively Caring 4 People. They want to promote intentional acts of kindness everyday that positively impact another person's life. They have green wristbands that are passed along from person to person as acts of kindness are witnessed. Basically, when you see a person doing something kind you pass along the wristband, tell them about this awesome movement, and encourage them to pass it along to the next kind person. Their hope is to inspire people to continuously commit acts of kindness.

Tonight, as I was taking their dinner orders, we got to talking about what I studied in college and what my goals are for the future. Once I told them about my desire to work in non-profits and the job I'm just starting this week (which deals with multiple charitable organizations around DC) they gave me a green bracelet, told me all about their efforts with their new organization and encouraged me to pass it along.

I'm hoping that I can somehow help them continue to achieve their goals. Check out their website and BE KIND!

http://activelycaring4people.org

Quite frequently my mom forwards inspirational and political e-mails to me. I always read them, think "well, that was...nice" and then move on with my day. Recently, however, I was sent one that really bothered me. It bothered me so much that I've been thinking about how much it bothers me for days now.

I decided to find it online again and read that the chain mail actually lies about the original source. It says it's from Bill Gates - the truth is that Bill Gates was quoting a book called "Dumbing Down our Kids"

Here's what it said:

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2

The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3

You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4

If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.
RULE 6

If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8

Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Now...with the exception of rules 3, 6, 7 and 10, which make sense and I have no problem with, the rest just make me plain mad.

There are definitely exceptions to these so called rules and there's no need to make everything so black and white. The gray area always exists in all life circumstances and if you come across someone who refuses to see that then, in my opinion, they're not worth spending too much time around.

Some random points that I'd like to make:

Society's lack of concern over others self esteem has led to countless numbers of people becoming pill fiends. Rather than actually doing anything to help people realize their self worth, they're handed prescriptions, or illegal substances, to just make that bad feeling go away. Telling high school students, who are all kinds of emotional/hormonal, that no one in the world cares whether or not they feel okay about life doesn't seem to be the right kind of message. (Maybe it's just me though...)

Some teachers are actually more difficult to deal with than bosses. Not everyone is meant to work for cut throat corporations. Bosses don't have to be these evil, feared monsters.

Isn't the reason we're taught in school that there are no winners and losers because educators hope that we'll carry those ideals with us throughout life, including the real world? I thought we were supposed to instill certain values into people at a young age in order to try to produce a better society.

Life can be divided into semesters and summers if you become a teacher.

Finding yourself is important - and again I'd like to stress that not everyone intends to work for the corporate world. Some people teach, others write novels, create music and art; there are people whose whole lives are dedicated to working around the world to bring love and care to others who aren't getting enough. Those who actually do spend some time "finding themselves" usually end up with some kind of really cool end product - good music, inspirational words or pictures, and people whose lives have been enriched by others' desire to have a colorful life.

Aaand last, but not least, the term nerd can be interpreted many ways. Some "nerds" are really smart, they know all the answers in class and spend their free time with their books. Some kids who are called "nerds", however, are just socially awkward - they may have their heads in their books in order to avoid potential conflict with others. In either of these cases, chances are not that you'll end up working for one. You may, but you're just as likely to work for the popular guy who always made an appearance at all the social gatherings each year. In the real world it's all about who you know and if you're well liked, then chances are you'll know someone who has an interesting opportunity for you.

My only life "rule":

love gray

Reasons why DC is a cool place for recent grads

There are some really cool things to do in DC that cost absolutely nothing - except maybe a metro fare card.

Screen on the Green

I went to this last night and it was awesome. It takes place on the National Mall right in front of the Capitol building. In the summertime they play 4 old films on a big screen outside in the grass. Everyone brings blankets, food, and fun.

The Smithsonian

Some people may not agree with me, but so far I've really loved all the Smithsonian Institutions that I've visited - and there are so many I have yet to see. This even includes the National Zoo, which I personally love because they have elephants.

All the monuments and memorials

I know everyone knows this, but still...just to remind everyone that it makes for a nice (free) afternoon

Some things I have yet to experience, but can't wait...

Spy Museum

I recently found out that the last Wednesday of every month the Spy Museum is free from around 5-8 p.m. (It's usually a $15 visit) To attend this free event you'll have to register online beforehand.

Jazz in the Garden

This has my name written all over it. Recently, (after seeing Public Enemies) I've become a jazz lover. I bought the soundtrack to the movie and Billie Holiday is my new musical obsession. A free outdoor jazz concert + sangria (word on the street is that it's sold there) = bliss.

Aaaand if your feeling like you need a little break from the real world and want to feel like you're back in college...

there's Group Therapy (this actually costs a little, but it's a good deal). This takes place at Tom Toms in Adams Morgan - it's 4 shots and 4 beers for $12 total. You're required to have your posse with you (no really) for this one...let's try to keep it safe people...so if you get four friends together it's 3 bucks for a couple of drinks. Pretty good deal...